Asking Why Me? Is not my right

Last week, during the first night of a weekend long Life Conference by Jacob Jester, I stood at the altar asking God why in the world He called ME to the things in my life I know He has called me to. I had a Moses conversation with God, letting him know that choosing the person to speak with a speech impediment reallly makes no sense. I had a Paul conversation with God, letting him know that choosing a persecutor of Christians to become a preacher and teacher really makes no sense. I had a Noah conversation with God, letting him know that people really are going to think I'm an idiot for spending so much time and effort building an ark when I don't even know what I'm doing...really makes no sense. I had a Jonah conversation with God, letting him know that in my heart...at that moment...I wanted to run. Not from God, but from my what God's purposes for me are. It is just. too. hard. 

On the outside, people think I have it all together. Or they think I'm a saint. Or those who know me really well, like Jeremey, know the truth. That really I am a mess whose weakness is turned into strength because of  God. 

But having to always be turned upside down, shaken, pushed, pulled, stretched, and molded can be a little tiring at times. And at that moment at the altar I just wanted to walk out of church, my life, my family, and quit. Now, I must tell you I thought it, but I never would have actually done it. I just thought it. But I knew that the fact that I was even THINKING it, meant God needed to do an overhaul on my heart. And He did.

The next night, I went back to the altar. This time only because my dear sweet hubby grabbed my hand and led me there. It was time to wrestle with God like Jacob did when he wrestled with an angel. The Bible says that he wrestled against God and won. He wouldn't quit until God blessed him. Well, that sounded great and all but I didn't even feel like wrestling. So I just sat there, head down, while Jeremey wrestled for me. 

I began to feel peace from God. And joy again. And love again. Then God spoke to me through the prayers of another (I love when He does that). That person spoke over me that God didn't give me visions and dreams just for them to fade away. He gave them to me for a purpose. He hasn't forgotten about me. He hasn't just turned me over to my own desire to give up. He was reminding me, "hey...I have a plan for you daughter and you can't quit!" 

I really let that soak in. Then I read Isaiah 45.

      This is what the Lord said to Cyprus, his annointed one whose right hand he will empower. 

   Before him, mighty kings will be paralyzed with fear. 

      Their fortress gates will be opened, 

      never to shut again. 

 ² This is what the LORD says:

   “I will go before you, Cyrus, 

      and level the mountains.^[a] 

   I will smash down gates of bronze 

      and cut through bars of iron. 

 ³ And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— 

      secret riches. 

   I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, 

      the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

 ⁴ “And why have I called you for this work? 

      Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? 

   It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, 

      Israel my chosen one. 

 ⁵ I am the LORD; 

      there is no other God. 

   I have equipped you for battle, 

      though you don’t even know me, 

 ⁶ so all the world from east to west 

      will know there is no other God. 

   I am the LORD, and there is no other. 

    ⁷ I create the light and make the darkness. 

   I send good times and bad times. 

      I, the LORD, am the one who does these things.

 ⁸ “Open up, O heavens, 

      and pour out your righteousness. 

   Let the earth open wide 

      so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. 

      I, the LORD, created them.

 ⁹ “What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. 

      Does a clay pot argue with its maker? 

   Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 

      ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ 

   Does the pot exclaim, 

      ‘How clumsy can you be?’ 

 ¹⁰ How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, 

      ‘Why was I born?’ 

   or if it said to its mother, 

      ‘Why did you make me this way?’”

 ¹¹ This is what the LORD says— 

      the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: 

   “Do you question what I do for my children? 

      Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? 

 ¹² I am the one who made the earth 

      and created people to live on it. 

   With my hands I stretched out the heavens. 

      All the stars are at my command. 

 ¹³ I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, 

      and I will guide his actions. 

   He will restore my city and free my captive people— 

      without seeking a reward! 

      I, the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, have spoken!”

And I realized...I don't get to question my calling or my purpose. I MUST do what God has designed me for without questioning him or asking why? No matter how difficult it gets...no matter how much I want to quit. My life is not my own, it is HIS to do with whatever in the world He wants. So if He calls me to one challenging thing after the next until I die, well then...so be it! 

The more He calls me to, the more I have to lean on Him. The more I lean on Him, the closer I get to Him. The closer I get to Him, the more I point others towards Him. The more I point others towards Him, the more glory He gets. The more glory He gets, the more my purpose for life becomes clear. 

He guides me. He equips me for battle. I trust that He knows what He's doing. 

O-r-p-h-i-n

When I was in second grade, I was in a spelling bee at my elementary school. I have always loved words, I mean really. From the minute I could say my abc's I have been playing with words, reading, and spelling. It was down to me and the "smartest girl in the class", Jennifer. We were literally going back and forth and neither one of us was missing a word, until I got the word, "Orphan". I still remember standing in the school gym, on the stage, with the faint smell of old grilled cheese sandwiches, spagetti o's, and green beans in the air. I spelled it in my mind, the right way I think, but for some reason it came out like this, "orphan. o-r-p-h-i-n. orphan". As soon as I said the "i", tears welled up in my eyes because I knew I made a mistake I could not take back. I thought about that word for a long time....

Fast forward twenty some years and I still think about that word alot. This might sound funny, but I think there is a reason why I forgot how to spell it. Kind of like foreshadowing in a book....God was dropping a little something in my soul. It never left. Except now I don't think so much about the word, but about the faces behind the word. I have thought about what it would be like to know that I am an orphan. Or to know that I was one. To not know anything about where I came from, or who brought me into this world and gave me life. What a strange feeling that must be. I have thought about orphans in hundreds of countries, waiting in orphanages for a day that might not ever come. Waiting for hope. I have painted pictures of orphans I have never seen with my own eyes, but they are in my heart.

In November, I got to hold their hands, wrap my arms around them and sing to them. Some of them. It was a moment in my life that I wish I could just transport myself back to whenever I feel like it to relive. It was exactly what God created me for. Loving the ones that have been forgotten. Hurt. Pushed aside. Abandoned. Abused. Neglected. God never forgets about them. I think He holds them in his hand so very tightly that if the hand of God could possibly be pried open for a moment, you would see it imprinted in his palm. 

O-r-p-h-a-n-s.