Day of Truth

6 months ago, right before Thanksgiving, we met our son. Everything changed that day, in a thousand good ways. My heart has not been the same since that moment, and I hope it never goes back to the way it was before. Since we are at our 1/2 year mark in knowing him, and he has been home now for 3 months, I wanted to post my journal entry from the first day I met him. 

 Day 1 in Ghana: We finally departed the plane after 3 flights and 24 hours of traveling, we walked right out side into what felt like a hairdryer. After waiting for what seemed like forever for our luggage in a non air conditioned building, we got through immigration and finally found Boat, our poa. He said that Kwesi was in the car and I couldn't hardly believe it!

We got out to the taxi and i saw nothing, but when I went around to get in the car, there was this tiny brown beautiful Kwesi sitting cross legged in the back of a taxi. Jeremey and I were instantly in love. We had to scoot him into the middle so we could both fit, and I could see the uncertainty. Doing the only thing I could think of, I pulled out a pack of peanuts that I had saved for him from the plane. He liked that! He ate them one by one and held several in his hand for the 5 hrs we were on the road to cape coast. After the peanuts, and an intro to the iPhone 4s he was soon sitting on our laps and looking out the window.

During one of my turns to hold him, he snuggled up to my chest and fell asleep. It was an amazing hour of staring at him just like I did with our other children the minute they were first placed in my arms. I fell asleep staring at his perfectly shaped lips and long curled eyelashes. All I could do was keep thanking God for this precious gift. A gift of life, joy and peace. I am so at peace. I am a better mom and a better person because of the truth in this boys eyes. He is simply amazing. Once we arrived at the hotel, exhausted from our journey we ate dinner ( rice and vegetables) and showered and went to bed. We played with Kwesi on the bed for quite a while and discovered his beautiful smile, dimples and all.

 Day 2 in Ghana: Today we got up very early to get ready for court, but it was running late so we had breakfast with Kwesi and Boat, our power if attorney, at oasis hotel, right by the ocean. It was beautiful. We brought Kwesi two toy cars, which he adores and they go with him everywhere. He stashes them in his pockets. After breakfast we walked to court, waited a while for the judge and finally had "court" in her chambers. She was an amazingly kind Ghanian woman who said, after she declared us his parents, that her prayer is that we do a good job raising him and provide for him a good education so that one day he will be living water and a light to this earth and both she and us will be thankful. Wow. What a true statement.

Kwesi will be a light and living water, I know this because he already is. God has his plans. After court we ate lunch, walked to cape coast and hung out with Kwesi in the room. He is utterly exhausted from all the changes, I am sure it is too much. We just ate supper and discovered that he loves French fries, and rice of course. He likes this spicy tomato sauce on his rice. He loves to stack things, and play with simple things that most children would throw away. He loves peanut butter. When he fell asleep tonight in my arms at dinner, he saw the jar somehow and reached for it when I laid hm down. So for a while he slept cuddling a jar of jif...

Seriously what a life changing blessing. Feels like the moment that I held each of our babies in my arms for the first time after all the labor, or the waiting. That moment where you are pretty sure your heart might explode with all the love and joy that is inside of it because it cannot possibly contain it all.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever. (Psalm 23:5-6)

Mother's Day: It's Complicated

Tomorrow everyone gets all lovey dovey for their mama's. For a lot of mom's it goes like this: breakfast in bed, card and flowers, cheesy talk in church given by Pastor about how mom's are the best, lunch out, day with the family...blah, blah, blah.

Like many holidays, Mother's Day has kind of lost it's zeal for me. I am thankful for my mom, don't get me wrong...but I don't really think I need to wait until Mother's Day to tell her how much I love her. That just seems a little ridiculous.

It's not all the conundrums of Mother's Day and that it is seemingly another flagrant effort of Hallmark and Hershey's and restaurants to make billions that makes me want to roll my eyes and go back to bed on Mother's Day.

It's that when I look in the eyes of my son, I wonder about his mother. I wonder what she looked like, what happened to her, what brought her to the point of giving up her son? Did she even have a choice? Or did she do the best thing for him to give him food to eat and then just hoped that one day he would have another Mama to wipe his tears?

I look in his sweet little eyes and I wonder what it will be like for him to think about her one day. That day will be here sooner than I know. I asked him if he remembers his mama in Ghana and he says, "no" and then proceeds to talk about the Lego project he is working on.

I wonder if she is still out there. If she is, she must wonder what he looks like now, if he is alive, where he is, and a host of other questions that I cannot wrap my mind around asking myself about one of my own children.

I look in the eyes of my daughter, and I wonder how she feels about having two moms. I wonder how it will effect her later in life, and if it will hurt her precious little heart to know that she is not with the one who gave birth to her. I am kidding myself if I think it won't. But naively and optimistically I will hold onto every shred of faith that I have that we will do a good job at this, and that she won't be a damaged wreck. We will speak the truth in love to her so much that she will know that the GOD of the universe has a perfect plan for her life and that is all that matters.

Mother's Day for me will never be my own between me and those who call me "mama". I share it with two birth moms, which suits me just fine. I don't feel jealous. I mostly just feel sad that half of our children will always feel the longing, wondering, curious, angry, sad, and sometimes joyful feelings because of having a birth mom and me.

I look in the eyes of our bio kids, and I remember the day that they each came into this world. I remember my first childbirth, and how I thought it would never end. I remember thinking I would never sleep again. I remember my second childbirth, and how the post-labor french toast and bacon (two servings of each) was seriously the best meal I have ever eaten and if I close my eyes I can picture it and taste it right now all over again. I think of the blessing that both of those children have brought to us. And I am thankful for the fact that they have a mama. and a daddy.  

One thing is for certain, God intended them all to be mine. To be ours. Through the pain and the tragedy of their birth moms lives, through the blessing of adoption, or through the triumph of birth. And that I will never doubt. I can't possibly fathom life without any of them.

All of our children under one roof makes me feel complete..almost. But certainly full of joy, so for that I am eternally grateful to the birth moms who made hard choices in their baby's lives in a weird way that makes me feel like I shouldn't be. It feels so selfish to get so much joy out of something that fell apart in a way in never should have.

My heart bleeds, I mean literally sometimes I think I feel it oozing out of my chest, for the millions of children who have NO ONE to call mama. Can you imagine, I mean really picture it in your mind for a moment, what that must feel like? No mama to sing you lullabies, to make your favorite sandwich and cut off the crust even though you know you are supposed to eat it, to tuck you in, to read you books...No mama to kiss your boo-boo's, to wipe your brow when you have a fever, to see you off to your first day of school and then welcome you with open arms every day when you come home,...No home. No bed. No mama.

I will selfishly keep going until I die. They are my cause. They are my heart. If I love them as much as I love myself, I know that myself would not enjoy not having a mom. Myself would be utterly heartbroken and in despair. And I would never leave myself heartbroken in despair for long. If God allows me to be the mama to more, I will do it with all my heart and not expect a darn thing on Mother's day =) 

A Look In the Mirror..Approaching 30

Sometimes I just feel like writing. I do not hardly ever know what I am going to write about but I sit down, and out it pours. I am almost 28. Maybe that's why I'm so philosophical all of a sudden. (sarcasm).

Thinking about my last 28 years, I look at my 4 sweet children, dressed up in play-clothes, running about, making huge messes, in all their glory...and I am just in awe over this life God has given me. I love those children so much it's nearly painful.  I sometimes don't know how I got here.. but it's a good feeling. 

Then there is the feeling approaching 30 where I look in the mirror and go, "holy crap I have been eating too many brownies..where did those love handles come from!?...oh dear God is that cellulite?!" One day at a time, one choice at a time, it all adds up to today....

About a month ago, after my last post, I took a long look in the mirror of my heart and had to really work through some forgiveness issues with others and myself. It was hard. Like when you look in the mirror and you don't really like what you see so you just walk away quickly and pretend you didn't notice what was there. It was easier to ignore the issue, but God wouldn't let me keep ignoring it.

James says that "If you listen to the word and don't obey, it's like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." 

I don't always like what I see in the mirror. I strongly feel that my nose is too big, my teeth could be whiter, I have pride marks from having babies...and my once "perfect" legs are now a little veiny and pasty! But more than those things, I don't always like when God's word forces me to look at my heart and see things that need change.

It is hard to realize that unforgiveness sneaked up on me. It makes me mad when I have to face the fact that I have a few issues with pride, or that I need a deeper respect for spiritual authority that has been placed over me. It boggles my mind when I realize that I have given anger a foothold. After all...I know better. How can I walk away from the mirror and forget what I know to be true?

Rather than ignore these things...and walk away and forget what God has told me and what I know is true. I have to face them. So I look in the mirror, God's word, and pray that He can change me again. And He has. 

This last month I reflected on unforgiveness and weeded it out of my heart. It hurt a lot. I was holding on to that one pretty good. I let go of self-pity and threw my anger back at God and told him to take it from me. I put down my pride. Again. I opened my heart to God's instruction on spiritual authority...that one is still a definite work in progress. 

But now I can see clearly who I am. I feel renewed and refreshed. The mirror is no longer cloudy. I am not walking away ignoring it. And this is where the will of God comes crashing into my life because I am ready for it now. 

Over and over in my life I will have to take up my cross and follow Him. Whatever He wants with me, it's HIS. I will HOLD NOTHING BACK. To hold nothing back, I have to let go of IT ALL. And not be afraid to look in the mirror.