Sometimes I just feel like writing. I do not hardly ever know what I am going to write about but I sit down, and out it pours. I am almost 28. Maybe that's why I'm so philosophical all of a sudden. (sarcasm).
Thinking about my last 28 years, I look at my 4 sweet children, dressed up in play-clothes, running about, making huge messes, in all their glory...and I am just in awe over this life God has given me. I love those children so much it's nearly painful. I sometimes don't know how I got here.. but it's a good feeling.
Then there is the feeling approaching 30 where I look in the mirror and go, "holy crap I have been eating too many brownies..where did those love handles come from!?...oh dear God is that cellulite?!" One day at a time, one choice at a time, it all adds up to today....
About a month ago, after my last post, I took a long look in the mirror of my heart and had to really work through some forgiveness issues with others and myself. It was hard. Like when you look in the mirror and you don't really like what you see so you just walk away quickly and pretend you didn't notice what was there. It was easier to ignore the issue, but God wouldn't let me keep ignoring it.
James says that "If you listen to the word and don't obey, it's like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it."
I don't always like what I see in the mirror. I strongly feel that my nose is too big, my teeth could be whiter, I have pride marks from having babies...and my once "perfect" legs are now a little veiny and pasty! But more than those things, I don't always like when God's word forces me to look at my heart and see things that need change.
It is hard to realize that unforgiveness sneaked up on me. It makes me mad when I have to face the fact that I have a few issues with pride, or that I need a deeper respect for spiritual authority that has been placed over me. It boggles my mind when I realize that I have given anger a foothold. After all...I know better. How can I walk away from the mirror and forget what I know to be true?
Rather than ignore these things...and walk away and forget what God has told me and what I know is true. I have to face them. So I look in the mirror, God's word, and pray that He can change me again. And He has.
This last month I reflected on unforgiveness and weeded it out of my heart. It hurt a lot. I was holding on to that one pretty good. I let go of self-pity and threw my anger back at God and told him to take it from me. I put down my pride. Again. I opened my heart to God's instruction on spiritual authority...that one is still a definite work in progress.
But now I can see clearly who I am. I feel renewed and refreshed. The mirror is no longer cloudy. I am not walking away ignoring it. And this is where the will of God comes crashing into my life because I am ready for it now.
Over and over in my life I will have to take up my cross and follow Him. Whatever He wants with me, it's HIS. I will HOLD NOTHING BACK. To hold nothing back, I have to let go of IT ALL. And not be afraid to look in the mirror.
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