This week was just one of those weeks where I am struggling with forgiveness. Yeah I said it. The youth pastor's wife that seems always so happy and loving struggles with forgiveness? Say whhhat? Forgiveness of others who have hurt me and didn't seemed to care or notice, or at best argued their defense. Forgiveness of others who have hurt people I care about deeply and seemed not to care...or notice...and argued their defense. I'm dealing with that...but I'm also trying to forgive myself.
I have been a Christian (well, one who lives like a Christian) for 10 years now. almost exactly. I know God forgives me but man I HATE SIN!!!! I know what God says about forgiveness, that we have to forgive others to be forgiven. But what about when you can't forgive yourself? I wonder if God can forgive us when we can't/won't forgive ourselves.. it's like this big tangled web sometimes that I just can't seem to find my way through.
This week Jeremey worked A LOT. He was really enjoying the work and having a great attitude about it, realizing it was just a crazy week and this too shall pass. I, on the other hand, wasn't doing so well with my newfound career of juggling four children and all that it entails...and school...and housework...and friends. and family. and and and. That's the word that always in my mind...AND!!!! I need to this AND that!!!! oh AND I still have that to do too! Anyway, I digress.
Not having the best attitude, and giving into my emotions I really have done a terrible job at being a mother this week. I have been snippy, grumpy, snappy, and sometimes just mean. It's hard to even write that because I want it to just go away! But it doesn't. Sometimes it just gnaws at me...if people only knew the other side that sometimes comes out. Kinda like how nearly ALL of our moms could be in the middle of screaming, "Go clean your room! Stop kicking your brother! Eat your spinach RIGHT NOW!" and then the phone would ring and, "Well, hello Meredith! How are you doing today and how is that sweet family of yours?.... Oh yes, we are doing perfectly thank you!" Barf!
So.. I remind myself that I am not perfect. But I am who God made me. And for the most part I really like the way God made me. But unfortunately I struggle with sin just because I am human. For a minute God just kinda showed me what it looks like from his perspective. One of our beloved children (who shall remain anonymous) is ALL sweet and amazing or ALL naughty and horrific ALL the time. There is never an in-between. And sometimes this child gets themselves in a downward spiral of naughtiness that can only be fixed with a heart to heart, eyes to eyes, truthful and real conversation about the battle inside. And a prayer. Then through tears, this precious child usually gets up, dusts off, and walks out of the room back to their sweet amazing self.
Here's my point. At that moment, all of my anger with so-and-so is totally gone. I have tears in my eyes myself as I am so thankful that he/she talked to me about it all, and that they finally stopped the whirlwind of trouble and sought forgiveness and repentance. I forget the offense. I remember the new, fresh start and am excited for them to start over because a fresh start just feels good doesn't it?! Isn't that on some level how God must feel? He isn't sitting there looking at me going, "Even though you are truly sorry, I am tired of this conversation. I don't know why you continue to struggle with sin when you know you shouldn't so go talk to someone else!" No way!!!! He is happy I come to him, He feels what I feel, and gives me a fresh start without remembering my crazy cycle of sin and holding it over my head. That is why I love God so much!
So...Like a child, here I go again. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. Right after I go upstairs, lay on my bed, and talk to my Father in Heaven who loves me more than anyone else. Thank you God for fresh starts. Help me when my feet hit the floor tomorrow not to do a repeat of day. oof-ta!
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