Asking Why Me? Is not my right

Last week, during the first night of a weekend long Life Conference by Jacob Jester, I stood at the altar asking God why in the world He called ME to the things in my life I know He has called me to. I had a Moses conversation with God, letting him know that choosing the person to speak with a speech impediment reallly makes no sense. I had a Paul conversation with God, letting him know that choosing a persecutor of Christians to become a preacher and teacher really makes no sense. I had a Noah conversation with God, letting him know that people really are going to think I'm an idiot for spending so much time and effort building an ark when I don't even know what I'm doing...really makes no sense. I had a Jonah conversation with God, letting him know that in my heart...at that moment...I wanted to run. Not from God, but from my what God's purposes for me are. It is just. too. hard. 

On the outside, people think I have it all together. Or they think I'm a saint. Or those who know me really well, like Jeremey, know the truth. That really I am a mess whose weakness is turned into strength because of  God. 

But having to always be turned upside down, shaken, pushed, pulled, stretched, and molded can be a little tiring at times. And at that moment at the altar I just wanted to walk out of church, my life, my family, and quit. Now, I must tell you I thought it, but I never would have actually done it. I just thought it. But I knew that the fact that I was even THINKING it, meant God needed to do an overhaul on my heart. And He did.

The next night, I went back to the altar. This time only because my dear sweet hubby grabbed my hand and led me there. It was time to wrestle with God like Jacob did when he wrestled with an angel. The Bible says that he wrestled against God and won. He wouldn't quit until God blessed him. Well, that sounded great and all but I didn't even feel like wrestling. So I just sat there, head down, while Jeremey wrestled for me. 

I began to feel peace from God. And joy again. And love again. Then God spoke to me through the prayers of another (I love when He does that). That person spoke over me that God didn't give me visions and dreams just for them to fade away. He gave them to me for a purpose. He hasn't forgotten about me. He hasn't just turned me over to my own desire to give up. He was reminding me, "hey...I have a plan for you daughter and you can't quit!" 

I really let that soak in. Then I read Isaiah 45.

      This is what the Lord said to Cyprus, his annointed one whose right hand he will empower. 

   Before him, mighty kings will be paralyzed with fear. 

      Their fortress gates will be opened, 

      never to shut again. 

 ² This is what the LORD says:

   “I will go before you, Cyrus, 

      and level the mountains.^[a] 

   I will smash down gates of bronze 

      and cut through bars of iron. 

 ³ And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— 

      secret riches. 

   I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, 

      the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

 ⁴ “And why have I called you for this work? 

      Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? 

   It is for the sake of Jacob my servant, 

      Israel my chosen one. 

 ⁵ I am the LORD; 

      there is no other God. 

   I have equipped you for battle, 

      though you don’t even know me, 

 ⁶ so all the world from east to west 

      will know there is no other God. 

   I am the LORD, and there is no other. 

    ⁷ I create the light and make the darkness. 

   I send good times and bad times. 

      I, the LORD, am the one who does these things.

 ⁸ “Open up, O heavens, 

      and pour out your righteousness. 

   Let the earth open wide 

      so salvation and righteousness can sprout up together. 

      I, the LORD, created them.

 ⁹ “What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. 

      Does a clay pot argue with its maker? 

   Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, 

      ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ 

   Does the pot exclaim, 

      ‘How clumsy can you be?’ 

 ¹⁰ How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, 

      ‘Why was I born?’ 

   or if it said to its mother, 

      ‘Why did you make me this way?’”

 ¹¹ This is what the LORD says— 

      the Holy One of Israel and your Creator: 

   “Do you question what I do for my children? 

      Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? 

 ¹² I am the one who made the earth 

      and created people to live on it. 

   With my hands I stretched out the heavens. 

      All the stars are at my command. 

 ¹³ I will raise up Cyrus to fulfill my righteous purpose, 

      and I will guide his actions. 

   He will restore my city and free my captive people— 

      without seeking a reward! 

      I, the LORD of Heaven’s Armies, have spoken!”

And I realized...I don't get to question my calling or my purpose. I MUST do what God has designed me for without questioning him or asking why? No matter how difficult it gets...no matter how much I want to quit. My life is not my own, it is HIS to do with whatever in the world He wants. So if He calls me to one challenging thing after the next until I die, well then...so be it! 

The more He calls me to, the more I have to lean on Him. The more I lean on Him, the closer I get to Him. The closer I get to Him, the more I point others towards Him. The more I point others towards Him, the more glory He gets. The more glory He gets, the more my purpose for life becomes clear. 

He guides me. He equips me for battle. I trust that He knows what He's doing. 

O-r-p-h-i-n

When I was in second grade, I was in a spelling bee at my elementary school. I have always loved words, I mean really. From the minute I could say my abc's I have been playing with words, reading, and spelling. It was down to me and the "smartest girl in the class", Jennifer. We were literally going back and forth and neither one of us was missing a word, until I got the word, "Orphan". I still remember standing in the school gym, on the stage, with the faint smell of old grilled cheese sandwiches, spagetti o's, and green beans in the air. I spelled it in my mind, the right way I think, but for some reason it came out like this, "orphan. o-r-p-h-i-n. orphan". As soon as I said the "i", tears welled up in my eyes because I knew I made a mistake I could not take back. I thought about that word for a long time....

Fast forward twenty some years and I still think about that word alot. This might sound funny, but I think there is a reason why I forgot how to spell it. Kind of like foreshadowing in a book....God was dropping a little something in my soul. It never left. Except now I don't think so much about the word, but about the faces behind the word. I have thought about what it would be like to know that I am an orphan. Or to know that I was one. To not know anything about where I came from, or who brought me into this world and gave me life. What a strange feeling that must be. I have thought about orphans in hundreds of countries, waiting in orphanages for a day that might not ever come. Waiting for hope. I have painted pictures of orphans I have never seen with my own eyes, but they are in my heart.

In November, I got to hold their hands, wrap my arms around them and sing to them. Some of them. It was a moment in my life that I wish I could just transport myself back to whenever I feel like it to relive. It was exactly what God created me for. Loving the ones that have been forgotten. Hurt. Pushed aside. Abandoned. Abused. Neglected. God never forgets about them. I think He holds them in his hand so very tightly that if the hand of God could possibly be pried open for a moment, you would see it imprinted in his palm. 

O-r-p-h-a-n-s. 

The Scoop on our Trip to Ghana

I know I am long overdue in posting a new blog! I am going to try to catch you up to speed without making you get the dreaded red-eye from reading too long of a blog entry online! Let's see....after my last post, we had a scheduled court date for the last week in November. Well, the WEEK before Thanksgiving, we got an email stating that our lawyer in Ghana had a medical condition that needed to be treated in England, so could we make a last minute court hearing on November 23rd? Our response was of course, HECK YES! So in a last minute scramble, we purchased plane tickets, 4 days before leaving the country and minutes after our miracle wire-in from Abba Fund came in giving us just enough money for the tickets plus travel expenses. All of a sudden, while planning, packing, figuring out what to do with our other three children (our childcare plans fell through...), my mom so graciously reminded me of something..., "Ashley, you don't have your entry visas back yet from the embassy." OH CRAP! Just a week prior, I had mailed off our passports to the Ghana Embassy in D.C. to have our entry visas put in them...and they take two weeks! So, here we were waiting on our stinking visas in order to be able to make it to Ghana for a court date in time. We prayed like we have never prayed before. I checked our tracking number with FedEx some ridiculous amount of times a day...think about how many times you check your email or facebook and multiply that by 100.

Wednesday night (November 16) came...and I knew that in order for me to leave to drive the kids to Tennessee to stay with Jeremey's parents I would need to leave on Friday. Still the visas hadn't shipped. At this point we realized if they didn't ship by Thursday we would not being making our court date. We would be waiting an indefinite amount of time for our sick lawyer to come back from England. We clung onto the hope we have in Christ, and prayed for his will and favor. That night at Soul'd Out, one of our amazing parents/leaders, Mike Wilson, had the students gather around us and they all prayed for a miracle. It was about 8:15 p.m. I got home, got the kids in bed, and checked FedEx one last time before hitting the sack. When I fully expected to see the usual, "tracking number not yet found", the page started loading! Our visas shipped from the Ghana embassy at 8:32p.m.!!! Once again, so thankful God's hand at work. This might sound weird, but I am almost getting to the point now where I am not surprised when God pulls through for us at the last minute. I have been praying He would do that over and over for us, so that ALL might see and know that there is a God. That He cares. And He answers prayers. He is worthy of a life lived for Him, worthy of everything I know to give, and not because He does things for us. Just because He is who He is. The blessings are just a bonus for getting to serve Him with our lives.

So I threw together our bags, wrapped up loose ends, picked up the visas Friday morning from FedEx- straight off the truck- on the way out of town with all 3 kids! Jeremey had youth convention that weekend (OF COURSE!) so he flew out of Rapid that Monday and I flew out of Nashville, and we met in Minneapolis on one of our layovers. =)

We got to Ghana (nearly 22 hours later) and when we got off the plane we were the only white people to be seen, walked into 95 degree heat, and a non-air conditioned, dirty, crowded airport. We got our luggage and managed to find our guide, Boat. (Have you ever tried to find a black man you have never met before in a sea of black faces while having jet-lag?....yeah, that was interesting.) He walked us to the taxi (after being stopped and questioned by police trying to get out the door of the aiport. I still don't know what they were asking him) and as we climbed in the backseat of the taxi, there he sat. This child we have waited for since March. This precious boy I have dreamed about for a year, woken up in the middle of the night crying because I wanted to hold him so badly, there he was. In person. Jeremey and I both just looked at him, like you would when you first hold your newborn baby, from his head to his toes in disbelief. He looked at us with big, tired eyes. We found out later he had been in the taxi since very early that morning, before the sun came up and it was 1:00 p.m. when we got in to Accra. At first he seemed unsure, so we got out the peanuts we had saved for him from the plane. And we offered him water. Such a little gesture and he was soon putting his hand on ours, wiggling in to get closer to us. We had a 5 hour car ride to get to know him, so of course the iphone's came out. It wasn't 30 minutes later and he had nearly mastered angry birds. After all of that, he fell asleep in my arms while looking out the window. It was one of those moments I will never forget. The hot wind whipping through the car, all the sights of Ghana, my eyes were so tired but I couldn't close them. Instead I just stared at his precious sleeping face until I couldn't hold them open any longer.  

Over the next week, we had Akwasi with us 24 hours a day and got to really know him. There was so much laughter, and a few tears as we would sometimes look at each other in amazement over God's gift to us of this sweet boy. Akwasi gave us so much more in that week then we could ever give him. He taught me so much about life, being selfless, and how to be a better mom. The only time I can remember such joy and peace is with the birth or arrival of our other children. Just sitting in those moments and enjoying them and really taking it all in, how amazing it is to see a life before you that you just know was destined to be a part of yours. That God planned long before we even thought of having/adopting another child. Akwasi is a Merrill. (legally, yes...and at heart!) We watched him stack toys, with precision. He balanced a jar of peanut butter on his head with ease. He shared his food with us, feeding us with his hands straight to our mouths, sometimes before he even took a bite himself. He played with the water in the bathtub and helped me do laundry...I was handwashing things and next thing I know he is right beside me- scrubbing, rinsing, twisting, and handing me items to be hung. We took him to the beach and watched the waves all day. We could tell by the look on his face that the cool breeze and the waves were just so amazing to him.

While in Cape Coast, we attended court on November 23rd. The judge who granted our adoption and made us his legal parents said to us, "My prayer is that he will grow in your family to be a light to the earth and living water. And that you and I both will thank God one day for this and know that we did this together." I believe with everything inside me that was a prophecy over Akwasi and his life. He will be a light to the earth and living water. God has something incredible planned for his life without question. I feel so humbled to be a part of it.

After court, and waiting on the decree, we left for Kasoa, where Royal Seed Orphanage is. We spent a few days there playing with Akwasi and the other children. Jeremey played soccer with the boys until he could play no more. They hung on him like monkeys on a tree, seriously! At one point I looked over at him and he must have had 7 kids hanging on him or climbing on him or holding his hands. Children have always been drawn to Jeremey, probably because he is so much fun! I sat under the shade of a tree, surrounded by the children as some of them cuddled up to me, wrapped their arms around my neck, and held my hand. I taught them about things like giraffes and clouds and Jesus. They asked me questions about America. They wanted to know if I knew Barack Obama, because he's the greatest...(now that was funny!) The girls played with my hair, and inspected my tattoos. They asked me about my freckles and if I am Akwasi's mom. I will never forget the feeling of their beautiful dark hands in mine and the look of their bright smiles. I felt so at home and I don't know why because I couldn't have been more out of place.

There is so much more I could tell you. But I will save details about Ghana, and the orphanage for later. That is a whole separate post. At the end of our trip (literally the day before we left Ghana) we filed for Akwasi's visa. We were told to expect up to 60 business days for them to process it. So we had to leave him at the orphanage, which was hard but we trust in God to take care of him. Why would we be afraid or worry? He is in the best of hands because the Lord is watching him. Akwasi will get home to us soon, and in God's perfect timing.

I would (AGAIN!) ask for your prayers for a SPEEDY visa process, funding to come in from some miracle donor to cover the plane tickets and travel expenses of about $3500, and safe travels for Jeremey and Akwasi when he goes to bring him home. Please pray for Jeremey and I as we parent Akwasi, that God would give us wisdom and patience as we navigate new territory. Pray for Akwasi to adjust well. Pray for our other children to adjust to the changes well too. We are so thankful for the prayers and support, and selfless giving of financial blessings that have come from our friends, family, and some who don't even know us. To each of you- thank you! God will pour out blessings on you, just as He has us. Merry Christmas!

WHEN HE ANSWERS!

Yesterday was an amazing day, simply put. I can't hardly believe what all happened yesterday, kind of like I need to pinch myself or something and make sure I'm awake! Over the last week or so, we had figured up how much we needed to pay the rest of the agency fees, the country fees, and our plane tickets. I had no idea how we were going to pay for all of it. We have had people ask us recently what we plan on doing, since by now most of them know we are out of resources. Our answer has remained the same, "We don't know, but God knows." or "God funds what He favors." or most recently with God working on my heart I had gotten realllly good at saying, "I hope God waits till the very last minute to pull through for us, just so people KNOW that this is His will for our family, and it gives Him that much more glory."

Believe me when I tell you, sometimes I say things like that asking myself, "do I really believe that?!"

Well once again, after prayers of HUGE faith, God has answered.

Our children, Rosie (5), Grayden (5) and Aubrey (2) have prayed these big prayers with us. Every night at bedtime, at least one of them prays prayers like this....
"God, please give us the money to bring Akwasi home."
"Thank you God, that I have my own bed to sleep in, clothes to wear, and food to eat. Please give Akwasi food to eat today."
"God, please bring Akwasi home to us tomorrow, in Jesus name."
"God, please keep Akwasi safe today"

I have discovered a couple things. Children often have more faith than adults. Not only that, but they know how to pray with faith. They believe God when He answers. A big family isn't robbing them of anything, and neither is having to get used to disrupted birth order, a person of another "color" in our home, not being able to do ballet or hockey or have fancy toys...they are learning to be selfless, to love without holding back, to sacrifice one thing for something more important. We are very  honest with them about money, where it comes from, and where it goes. They know that we have been praying for God's provision for this adoption, and that means we all make sacrifices. They are happy hearted and full of joy to make them about 99% of the time, honestly as much or more than I am!

Yesterday we received an email that we have received an interest free loan to complete our adoption. The details of where it came from and how much it is for will come when I get permission =) But I will tell you this. It was EXACTLY enough to pay ALL of our agency fees, country fees, and our plane tickets to Ghana for this first trip.

We didn't even know we were both going on a "first trip" until 5 hours AFTER receiving the email about the loan. We thought that we would both be going on one trip, and that would be at the very end of the adoption process. Now, we must both go to appear in court, and Jeremey will go to pick up Akwasi and bring him home 1-2 months after court. God provided BEFORE the need even arose, and we didn't have a clue! Yesterday we were informed that we may be traveling, both of us, to Ghana by Thanksgiving for court! I can think of NO BETTER WAY to celebrate being thankful!!!!!  We are awaiting confirmation of a court date....

The kids and I (since we were the ones home at the time of receiving the news while Jeremey was in staff meeting at church) cried together, got down on our knees, and thanked God together. They were overjoyed that God once again put money in our "Akwasi money jar" as they call it when they point to the jar of change on top of the fridge.

I don't know why God chooses to continue to pour out his faithfulness on us, when we have so many faults and struggles. We are soooo far from perfect, yet He continues to pour out blessings on us that we cannot even fathom. Maybe that's what makes it so amazing. Despite ourselves, God still loves us. And He loves children so much that He will move the biggest mountain for them.

I cannot even hardly wrap my mind around the fact that I am organizing packing lists, making childcare arrangements, going to pick up donations for the orphanage, picking up malaria pills and antibiotics, and most of all GOING to get to FINALLY wrap my arms around our youngest son. AMAZING.

Coming Out of the Desert with My Head Up!

I really am amazed.
Amazed at how God works.
Here for months I have been praying,
wondering, hoping, wishing, waiting,
praying some more....at times wanting to just
totally.give.up.

In Exodus 13 when Pharaoh let the people go,
God did not take them the shortest route through to the Promised Land.
Instead he took them the long way.
So that they wouldn't go back.

This is funny to me because even though the shorter distance might have been more difficult in some aspects,
40 years in the desert wasn't too difficult for them to want to go back?
They kept going. Even when their faith wavered,
when they complained,
when God answered time and time again.
The kept going, they didn't go back.

And if they hadn't walked for 40 years through that desert,
 the Promised Land really wouldn't have meant as much to them, would it? 


"So I am willing to endure ANYTHING if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen. This is a trustworthy saying: If we die with him, we will LIVE with him. If we ENDURE hardship, we will REIGN with him. If we deny him, he will deny us. If we are unfaithful, HE remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is." (2 Timothy 2:10-13, emphasis mine)

I'm glad this has been a hard journey. It WILL bring salvation and eternal glory to some along the way, one of those I believe will be Akwasi. I am thankful for a very long walk in the desert, and I now see it.
I see the Promised Land....
It's still far away but it isn't a mirage. It's real. And we are moving towards it, walking side by side with everyone who has helped us get there. So many friends have helped us, and family. I believe God is going to drop it in people's hearts to help us the rest of the way like only He can do.

It's humbling, that kind of feeling you have when you know you can't do something on your own and you have to ask for help. When you have to accept someone's gift because you know how badly you need it, and how much God is going to bless them for it, even though your pride says to say you can't accept it.

In the last 3 days, after doing the Both Hands Project, we have received $2090 in donations.  In the weeks before the project, we received $1300 worth of donations from friends, and another $400 from family. Today we got a letter in the mail that we received a $2500 matching grant from God's Grace Adoption Ministry. When family or friends send tax deductible donations to them referencing our adoption, they will match dollar for dollar up to $2500. We are so thankful for all of this! The donations keep pouring in! God's help has arrived and I am so thankful....there.are.no.words.

One step closer to holding our precious son in our arms. Out of the desert, across the water, to bring home Akwasi Tru.

When There Is Not Enough of Me!

I have been a little overwhelmed lately with life, but as usual I bring this on myself! I have been taking my first college class the last couple weeks (since the last one I took in 2004!) and while I love learning and love class, I am trying to figure out how to add yet another spinning plate to the balancing act. I don't ever want the kids to not get enough of me because of my pursuit to finish my degree so I can finally be a teacher. So I have to get up really early, or go to bed really late, or not have a perfectly kept house. These things are ok with me. I'm just adjusting! Sometimes I crack up at the responsibilities that over the last few years have just managed to make themselves scream at me, "feel sorry for yourself for having to do all this!" and some days I do. But other days, like today, after waking up at 5:30 in the morning to try to work out, take a shower and squeeze in some homework before the morning chaos began, I remind myself what a joy my life is. These precious little ones running around the house, making noise and silly games out of everything. There is nothing like it. I am blessed to sit under a roof, and have the opportunity to finish school. These are privileges, not rights. I am so blessed. There won't always be socks and cheerios on the floor, but for now I am choosing JOY in the moment. I stopped everything this morning to scoop Aubrey up in my arms, sing her a song, and read her a book. By the last page I think my eyeballs were literally hanging out of my head, but I was so glad I enjoyed that moment with her. She walked away and said, "mom, I love you TOO much" and then spouted off some random quote about being a super-hero that she heard on super-readers earlier this morning. In between changing a poopy diaper, making the kids breakfast, remembering that I needed coffee, ironing their clothes for school picture day, answering the phone only to tell the telemarketer now is really not a good time!, remembering that I never finished my coffee and oh yeah I never ate breakfast either, making my breakfast, getting school papers ready to go, lunch made, shoes on everyone, and out the door....I realized something. This IS MY LIFE right now as GOD himself has given it to me and I CHOOSE JOY. Where there is not enough of me, there IS enough of Him. I don't know what I'm doing. Half the time I fail. As I write this, there are peas on the kitchen floor from last night's dinner. Oh well, I am choosing to be full of joy instead of mad at those peas.

A surprise for us!

No, we aren't pregnant!

I received the long-awaited phone call on Friday from our adoption agency that the family "before" us (in the intangible cue) was able to receive their adoption decree by power of attorney. What does this mean for us? This means that we can go to court in Ghana, without actually having to go to court in Ghana! So, no 10 day trip for us in September! I am so excited about this for 2 reasons...1) it saves us $3000 on plane tickets and 2) I was really not looking forward to spending a week with Akwasi, only to have to leave him and come home for 6-8 weeks.

Now our tentative schedule, hopefully to happen in November, looks like this:
Saturday- fly in and gain custody of our little boy!!!!! =) !!!!!
Monday- visa interview
Thursday- hopefully receive visa
Saturday or Sunday- get back home with our precious Akwasi in arms =)

What's amazing about all this is that God is doing a miracle! I prayed several months ago for God to miraculously make this a one-trip adoption, even though it's never really been done that way. I didn't want to leave the kids twice, pay airfare twice, all those things. God is so good to answer a prayer of mine that I almost thought was impossible, but remembered Jesus' words

Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "move from here to there", and it will move. Nothing is impossible for you. (Matthew 17:19-21)