Pardon the Soot

Well, I've decided to emerge from Mom-dom for a minute to reflect on the last few months of life and feebly attempt to sum it all up. If you could picture pig-pen from Charlie Brown, that's a little how I feel at the moment except it isn't dirt leaving a dusty trail behind me and going "poof" off my clothes, it's soot. I have been through the fire the last few months. I thought I had been through the fire before, but that was like comparing a can of sterno to a kiln. No comparison.

In order, the last six months have consisted of the following: 

....Bringing home precious darling #4.

....Managing a household of six and getting used to being a mom of 4 kids under the age of 6.

....Being out of the blue called to and accepting a calling that involves an across country move as well as a radical leap of faith for provision of husband's career and finances.

.....Having two weeks to process emotionally what is happening while staging a house and packing for a family of 6 for an indefinite amount of time whatever can be squeezed into a 8x10 trailer and a Suburban. 

....Move across country, and in with the in-laws while still adjusting to precious baby #4 who has just reverted big time due to the changes so let's start from the beginning again while still getting used to being mom of 4 kids under age 6 (beginning to sound redundant am I?)

...Keep 4 children from destroying all things owned by in-laws. 

....Do all the things that a move requires from changing address, enrolling kids in new schools, learning the uniforms, figuring out health insurance, selling the house, looking for a new house, trying to get approved for a new mortgage, blah blah blah..you get the picture...all while not hardly seeing husband ever because he is off trying to figure out how to feed family of 6, respectfully and thankfully so. 

...Adjust to new church home, how things are done there, what the people are like, learn their names, fall in love with a new group of teenagers, wish that we had more time to spend with/for them! 

....All this while in school full time. Eek. And somehow kept my Dean's list status. (amazing, I know. It helps that most people in my classes can barely spell their own names so it makes me look really smart. sad but true fact. sorry if that offended you.)

....Just for kicks, decide as a couple after much prayer to buy a new business and to become self-employed, change line of work completely minus a few part time hours devoted to ministry. 

....AND move into a new rental house which is exactly 1/2 the size of previous house. (small but LOVELY and cocooned in a brocade of trees which for those of you that really know me, you know I LOVE.) 

God really yanked the rug under my feet on this one and I'm really glad He did. There have been some really rough patches, moments of joy, releasing freedom and some times that knocked me to my knees. It got my attention. It has been 3 months chocked full of lessons. I am pretty sure that if God has a boot camp for Christians who have started getting bitter and stagnant, I just went through it. Um...except I somehow didn't get flatter abs. What I did get was some serious refining fire. I think that I have come out of this a little better than I was before. I am a lot less selfish. I realize that what I thought was love for people and love for ministry really needing a lot of improving and was much more self-serving than I care to admit. I know now that I am called to an amazing group of teenagers, and an incredible church, and a city that needs me. And I am called because He has already planned to use me here, right now, to achieve His purpose. This isn't about me, and I don't get to hem and haw over the travesty of leaving behind security (somewhat), health insurance, our home and whatever else I thought I could depend on. God said go to Ninevah (ahem, Nashville) so we went. We didn't run to Tarshish and we didn't wait. So I trust Him to take care of us. He won't leave me. You might see a pile of soot from where I have come out of the fire, but I'm not burned- I just got this layer burnt off that really needed to go. There are no scars. Just joy in obedience, a lot learned, and a lot still to learn. 

Be a teenager again!

Being in youth ministry, and having not been here for very long (only 6 years as a leader, and 2 of those being as the youth director's wife), I learn a lot of lessons. Almost weekly I learn something new, sometimes daily! 

Not all of these lessons are easy to learn. Some I learn from the students. Their fire for God that never goes out, keeps me going some days.They inspire me!

I was thinking about how so many students will come to Jeremey or myself in bits because they just don't feel close to God, they know they aren't spending enough time with him, or some kind of sneaky little sin has crept in and taken the place of God in their lives that week. They want prayer. They want to overcome. They are nearly DESPERATE to find out how to get God back at His number ONE spot in their life. 

I have been asking myself why most adults aren't so desperate. What happens to us? Over the years we just get jaded. We forget about that first fire we had when God lit up our lives and everything else seemed pointless. We get caught up marriage, confused by relationships gone wrong, bitter over continuous hurts...and we can't crack the hard shell of a rock that has encrusted itself over our hearts to even begin caring about God anymore....

... or life is grand and we don't need God anymore. We have made a life for ourselves complete with the house on the nice side of town, the car that every family wants, kids in the perfect sports, and a shiny smile & wardrobe to boot. Our husbands have well established careers, our children all know how to behave in public, yet no one knows who we TRULY are. Behind the closed doors of our perfectly landscaped home. We don't even know anymore. But one thing is for sure...with so much confidence in our stuff, why would we need the type of faith that is utterly desperate, that has to rely on Him?

In some ways, we as adults have forgotten how to be kids. We have forgotten how to be teenagers even. To feel the actual perils of our soul in the balance when we know that our life has gotten off kilter. We have forgotten how to sacrifice everything just because we don't want to forfeit the one thing that matters-faith.

I have seen a teenager give up his entire wardrobe just because he realized having so many clothes was selfish. I have seen another give his entire summer's pay wholeheartedly and without anyone else knowing entirely to missions. (except Jeremey & I, who saw the check that night in the offering- and probably his parents.) I have seen teenagers walk away from friends who were robbing them of their joy and filling their lives with darkness. I have seen teenagers face down, or on their knees, or worshiping at an altar every Wednesday for so long that our service always goes over and parents have to wait. I have seen them weep over unsaved friends and loved ones, and I mean really the ugly cry kind of weep. I have seen them relentlessly chase after God begging him to reveal His will, to give them a mission, to use them in their life.

If only we could let go like they do. If only we could forget our responsibilities in some sense for a moment like they do and trust God. I mean really trust Him. If only we would walk away from houses, cars, and all the things we fill our lives with that take God's place. If we would give like they do. If we would weep over people with compassion knowing that their souls are on the line. If we would actually dare to ask God what He wants from us. If we would be brave enough to consider listening to the answer, and doing what He says. If only more of us would acts like teenagers...

Day of Truth

6 months ago, right before Thanksgiving, we met our son. Everything changed that day, in a thousand good ways. My heart has not been the same since that moment, and I hope it never goes back to the way it was before. Since we are at our 1/2 year mark in knowing him, and he has been home now for 3 months, I wanted to post my journal entry from the first day I met him. 

 Day 1 in Ghana: We finally departed the plane after 3 flights and 24 hours of traveling, we walked right out side into what felt like a hairdryer. After waiting for what seemed like forever for our luggage in a non air conditioned building, we got through immigration and finally found Boat, our poa. He said that Kwesi was in the car and I couldn't hardly believe it!

We got out to the taxi and i saw nothing, but when I went around to get in the car, there was this tiny brown beautiful Kwesi sitting cross legged in the back of a taxi. Jeremey and I were instantly in love. We had to scoot him into the middle so we could both fit, and I could see the uncertainty. Doing the only thing I could think of, I pulled out a pack of peanuts that I had saved for him from the plane. He liked that! He ate them one by one and held several in his hand for the 5 hrs we were on the road to cape coast. After the peanuts, and an intro to the iPhone 4s he was soon sitting on our laps and looking out the window.

During one of my turns to hold him, he snuggled up to my chest and fell asleep. It was an amazing hour of staring at him just like I did with our other children the minute they were first placed in my arms. I fell asleep staring at his perfectly shaped lips and long curled eyelashes. All I could do was keep thanking God for this precious gift. A gift of life, joy and peace. I am so at peace. I am a better mom and a better person because of the truth in this boys eyes. He is simply amazing. Once we arrived at the hotel, exhausted from our journey we ate dinner ( rice and vegetables) and showered and went to bed. We played with Kwesi on the bed for quite a while and discovered his beautiful smile, dimples and all.

 Day 2 in Ghana: Today we got up very early to get ready for court, but it was running late so we had breakfast with Kwesi and Boat, our power if attorney, at oasis hotel, right by the ocean. It was beautiful. We brought Kwesi two toy cars, which he adores and they go with him everywhere. He stashes them in his pockets. After breakfast we walked to court, waited a while for the judge and finally had "court" in her chambers. She was an amazingly kind Ghanian woman who said, after she declared us his parents, that her prayer is that we do a good job raising him and provide for him a good education so that one day he will be living water and a light to this earth and both she and us will be thankful. Wow. What a true statement.

Kwesi will be a light and living water, I know this because he already is. God has his plans. After court we ate lunch, walked to cape coast and hung out with Kwesi in the room. He is utterly exhausted from all the changes, I am sure it is too much. We just ate supper and discovered that he loves French fries, and rice of course. He likes this spicy tomato sauce on his rice. He loves to stack things, and play with simple things that most children would throw away. He loves peanut butter. When he fell asleep tonight in my arms at dinner, he saw the jar somehow and reached for it when I laid hm down. So for a while he slept cuddling a jar of jif...

Seriously what a life changing blessing. Feels like the moment that I held each of our babies in my arms for the first time after all the labor, or the waiting. That moment where you are pretty sure your heart might explode with all the love and joy that is inside of it because it cannot possibly contain it all.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever. (Psalm 23:5-6)

Mother's Day: It's Complicated

Tomorrow everyone gets all lovey dovey for their mama's. For a lot of mom's it goes like this: breakfast in bed, card and flowers, cheesy talk in church given by Pastor about how mom's are the best, lunch out, day with the family...blah, blah, blah.

Like many holidays, Mother's Day has kind of lost it's zeal for me. I am thankful for my mom, don't get me wrong...but I don't really think I need to wait until Mother's Day to tell her how much I love her. That just seems a little ridiculous.

It's not all the conundrums of Mother's Day and that it is seemingly another flagrant effort of Hallmark and Hershey's and restaurants to make billions that makes me want to roll my eyes and go back to bed on Mother's Day.

It's that when I look in the eyes of my son, I wonder about his mother. I wonder what she looked like, what happened to her, what brought her to the point of giving up her son? Did she even have a choice? Or did she do the best thing for him to give him food to eat and then just hoped that one day he would have another Mama to wipe his tears?

I look in his sweet little eyes and I wonder what it will be like for him to think about her one day. That day will be here sooner than I know. I asked him if he remembers his mama in Ghana and he says, "no" and then proceeds to talk about the Lego project he is working on.

I wonder if she is still out there. If she is, she must wonder what he looks like now, if he is alive, where he is, and a host of other questions that I cannot wrap my mind around asking myself about one of my own children.

I look in the eyes of my daughter, and I wonder how she feels about having two moms. I wonder how it will effect her later in life, and if it will hurt her precious little heart to know that she is not with the one who gave birth to her. I am kidding myself if I think it won't. But naively and optimistically I will hold onto every shred of faith that I have that we will do a good job at this, and that she won't be a damaged wreck. We will speak the truth in love to her so much that she will know that the GOD of the universe has a perfect plan for her life and that is all that matters.

Mother's Day for me will never be my own between me and those who call me "mama". I share it with two birth moms, which suits me just fine. I don't feel jealous. I mostly just feel sad that half of our children will always feel the longing, wondering, curious, angry, sad, and sometimes joyful feelings because of having a birth mom and me.

I look in the eyes of our bio kids, and I remember the day that they each came into this world. I remember my first childbirth, and how I thought it would never end. I remember thinking I would never sleep again. I remember my second childbirth, and how the post-labor french toast and bacon (two servings of each) was seriously the best meal I have ever eaten and if I close my eyes I can picture it and taste it right now all over again. I think of the blessing that both of those children have brought to us. And I am thankful for the fact that they have a mama. and a daddy.  

One thing is for certain, God intended them all to be mine. To be ours. Through the pain and the tragedy of their birth moms lives, through the blessing of adoption, or through the triumph of birth. And that I will never doubt. I can't possibly fathom life without any of them.

All of our children under one roof makes me feel complete..almost. But certainly full of joy, so for that I am eternally grateful to the birth moms who made hard choices in their baby's lives in a weird way that makes me feel like I shouldn't be. It feels so selfish to get so much joy out of something that fell apart in a way in never should have.

My heart bleeds, I mean literally sometimes I think I feel it oozing out of my chest, for the millions of children who have NO ONE to call mama. Can you imagine, I mean really picture it in your mind for a moment, what that must feel like? No mama to sing you lullabies, to make your favorite sandwich and cut off the crust even though you know you are supposed to eat it, to tuck you in, to read you books...No mama to kiss your boo-boo's, to wipe your brow when you have a fever, to see you off to your first day of school and then welcome you with open arms every day when you come home,...No home. No bed. No mama.

I will selfishly keep going until I die. They are my cause. They are my heart. If I love them as much as I love myself, I know that myself would not enjoy not having a mom. Myself would be utterly heartbroken and in despair. And I would never leave myself heartbroken in despair for long. If God allows me to be the mama to more, I will do it with all my heart and not expect a darn thing on Mother's day =) 

A Look In the Mirror..Approaching 30

Sometimes I just feel like writing. I do not hardly ever know what I am going to write about but I sit down, and out it pours. I am almost 28. Maybe that's why I'm so philosophical all of a sudden. (sarcasm).

Thinking about my last 28 years, I look at my 4 sweet children, dressed up in play-clothes, running about, making huge messes, in all their glory...and I am just in awe over this life God has given me. I love those children so much it's nearly painful.  I sometimes don't know how I got here.. but it's a good feeling. 

Then there is the feeling approaching 30 where I look in the mirror and go, "holy crap I have been eating too many brownies..where did those love handles come from!?...oh dear God is that cellulite?!" One day at a time, one choice at a time, it all adds up to today....

About a month ago, after my last post, I took a long look in the mirror of my heart and had to really work through some forgiveness issues with others and myself. It was hard. Like when you look in the mirror and you don't really like what you see so you just walk away quickly and pretend you didn't notice what was there. It was easier to ignore the issue, but God wouldn't let me keep ignoring it.

James says that "If you listen to the word and don't obey, it's like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it." 

I don't always like what I see in the mirror. I strongly feel that my nose is too big, my teeth could be whiter, I have pride marks from having babies...and my once "perfect" legs are now a little veiny and pasty! But more than those things, I don't always like when God's word forces me to look at my heart and see things that need change.

It is hard to realize that unforgiveness sneaked up on me. It makes me mad when I have to face the fact that I have a few issues with pride, or that I need a deeper respect for spiritual authority that has been placed over me. It boggles my mind when I realize that I have given anger a foothold. After all...I know better. How can I walk away from the mirror and forget what I know to be true?

Rather than ignore these things...and walk away and forget what God has told me and what I know is true. I have to face them. So I look in the mirror, God's word, and pray that He can change me again. And He has. 

This last month I reflected on unforgiveness and weeded it out of my heart. It hurt a lot. I was holding on to that one pretty good. I let go of self-pity and threw my anger back at God and told him to take it from me. I put down my pride. Again. I opened my heart to God's instruction on spiritual authority...that one is still a definite work in progress. 

But now I can see clearly who I am. I feel renewed and refreshed. The mirror is no longer cloudy. I am not walking away ignoring it. And this is where the will of God comes crashing into my life because I am ready for it now. 

Over and over in my life I will have to take up my cross and follow Him. Whatever He wants with me, it's HIS. I will HOLD NOTHING BACK. To hold nothing back, I have to let go of IT ALL. And not be afraid to look in the mirror.

When Motherhood Just Gets Ya Down!

This week was a hard week. What's funny is that is wasn't the kind of hard I expected. Not the "honeymoon wore off, I wanna pull my hair out cuz this new child in the family is driving me crazy and now I feel really bad that I thought that" kind of hard. No...I'm still head over heels for our precious Kwesi. He still lights up my world, and makes me laugh, gives me sooo much joy. 

This week was just one of those weeks where I am struggling with forgiveness. Yeah I said it. The youth pastor's wife that seems always so happy and loving struggles with forgiveness? Say whhhat? Forgiveness of others who have hurt me and didn't seemed to care or notice, or at best argued their defense. Forgiveness of others who have hurt people I care about deeply and seemed not to care...or notice...and argued their defense. I'm dealing with that...but I'm also trying to forgive myself. 

I have been a Christian (well, one who lives like a Christian) for 10 years now. almost exactly. I know God forgives me but man I HATE SIN!!!! I know what God says about forgiveness, that we have to forgive others to be forgiven. But what about when you can't forgive yourself? I wonder if God can forgive us when we can't/won't forgive ourselves.. it's like this big tangled web sometimes that I just can't seem to find my way through. 

This week Jeremey worked A LOT. He was really enjoying the work and having a great attitude about it, realizing it was just a crazy week and this too shall pass. I, on the other hand, wasn't doing so well with my newfound career of juggling four children and all that it entails...and school...and housework...and friends. and family. and and and. That's the word that always in my mind...AND!!!! I need to this AND that!!!! oh AND I still have that to do too! Anyway, I digress.

Not having the best attitude, and giving into my emotions I really have done a terrible job at being a mother this week. I have been snippy, grumpy, snappy, and sometimes just mean. It's hard to even write that because I want it to just go away! But it doesn't. Sometimes it just gnaws at me...if people only knew the other side that sometimes comes out. Kinda like how nearly ALL of our moms could be in the middle of screaming, "Go clean your room! Stop kicking your brother! Eat your spinach RIGHT NOW!"  and then the phone would ring and, "Well, hello Meredith! How are you doing today and how is that sweet family of yours?.... Oh yes, we are doing perfectly thank you!" Barf! 

So.. I remind myself that I am not perfect. But I am who God made me. And for the most part I really like the way God made me. But unfortunately I struggle with sin just because I am human. For a minute God just kinda showed me what it looks like from his perspective. One of our beloved children (who shall remain anonymous) is ALL sweet and amazing or ALL naughty and horrific ALL the time. There is never an in-between. And sometimes this child gets themselves in a downward spiral of naughtiness that can only be fixed with a heart to heart, eyes to eyes, truthful and real conversation about the battle inside. And a prayer. Then through tears, this precious child usually gets up, dusts off, and walks out of the room back to their sweet amazing self. 

Here's my point. At that moment, all of my anger with so-and-so is totally gone. I have tears in my eyes myself as I am so thankful that he/she talked to me about it all, and that they finally stopped the whirlwind of trouble and sought forgiveness and repentance. I forget the offense. I remember the new, fresh start and am excited for them to start over because a fresh start just feels good doesn't it?! Isn't that on some level how God must feel? He isn't sitting there looking at me going, "Even though you are truly sorry, I am tired of this conversation. I don't know why you continue to struggle with sin when you know you shouldn't so go talk to someone else!" No way!!!! He is happy I come to him, He feels what I feel, and gives me a fresh start without remembering my crazy cycle of sin and holding it over my head. That is why I love God so much! 

So...Like a child, here I go again. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. Right after I go upstairs, lay on my bed, and talk to my Father in Heaven who loves me more than anyone else. Thank you God for fresh starts. Help me when my feet hit the floor tomorrow not to do a repeat of day. oof-ta! 

Life!

If a picture could say a thousand words...this is it. We had waited for this moment for almost exactly a year from the moment we saw Kwesi's first picture and decided to pursue adopting him. For 7 days, while Jeremey was in Ghana this time- I lost sleep because of all the prayer and excitement that the week brought...and then finally they were on their way! The kids and I were just beside ourselves trying to get through the morning routine and make signs while we waited to go to the airport. 

Jeremey and Kwesi missed their first flight in the U.S. in Atlanta, but he somehow managed to get on a flight to Denver that got them home 2 hours sooner than we had planned! Now THAT is the way to do it! 

After all that waiting...they walked through the door! Aubrey ran straight to Daddy and the rest of us just stood in shock that our 6th family member was finally on U.S. Soil! I wondered all week how Kwesi would take to me after being with Jeremey and all the traveling. To my delight, he looked right at me and smiled from ear to ear, and even let me hold him so Jeremey could take a load off. Then he was off running around the airport with the kids...

Our first week together has been an amazing, happy blur. We have played to our hearts content as a family and bonded with Kwesi in ways I never thought would be possible this early in the adjustment phase. I can TRULY say that he feels like he was always meant to be our son. This breaks my heart because I know that the tragedy is there, and out of that tragedy comes something beautiful. I am thankful though that God knew him in the womb, even though it wasn't mine, and knew that we would one day receive the blessing of this precious boy. All parents say "yes" to being parents when they decide to try to get pregnant. We said "yes" to being his parents when we decided to try to adopt. It really is no different. I selfishly wanted Kwesi to be MINE. to be OURS. 

I am a little disapointed in myself to say this but something about him makes me a better mom to all four of our children. I wish I had learned sooner to laugh more, love with abandon, overlook faults, and give grace while teaching and raising our children in the Lord. I have spent far too much time in the last 6 years of motherhood taking myself to seriously. Each of our children have taught me something about life and made me better. Kwesi has given me so much joy. He is like a refreshing drink of water on a hot day! 

We planned and prepared for a lot of scenarios with bringing Kwesi home that I prayed would not happen, but got training and read up just in case. Well...we have had none of those things happen. It has been the most natural, joyful adjusment I can imagine! We have had to get used to a new level of noise, the boys rough-housing, and making  A LOT more food. I am way behind on laundry and cleaning of pretty much EVERYTHING. lol but I don't even care. 

Our biggest challenge now is reassuring the other 3 children that we still have enough love for them too, they won't get less time with us than before, and that we are living God's plan for our family.

 Grayden asked us last week how we "knew" Kwesi was supposed to be in our family. We told him that we prayed and prayed, and God answered. But he wanted to know how God answered...did He talk to us? So we explained to him how God put Kwesi in our path, and opened wide every door and smashed every obstacle between us and him. I am so thankful for what this is teaching them about faith, God's love, and the radical life that we CHOOSE to live because Christ gave it all for us. 

My heart is too full to even put words on a page. How does one describe an overwhelming joy? It's like the moment you first hold your brand new baby after hours of pushing! lol Our labor pains this time were in our hearts. Not so much in the physical realm but boy did we feel them! Now those struggles are forgotten and we are just thankful to God for a sweet, healthy, bundle of African joy.